40. Self Doubt

Today is the 28th February 2018, before last week my last upload was six months ago. To be quite honest I’ve been thinking about this blog everyday since my absence, and I have a good reason why I didn’t upload in so long, it wasn’t just procrastination. Im currently a final year university student so since last year my schedule was a bit hectic-ish. The true reason was, I was overcome by doubt.

See, before my absence I kept blogging, not religiously, but it was constant enough to have garnered a following. The following was ok when I knew they read from the other side of a screen and I would never have met any of the people outside my friend circle that read it – or so I thought. Little did I know one of my friends spread it amongst her friends and before I knew it I was actually in the middle of a discussion with twelve people who looked forward to my post. It was truly a humbling experience, I really didn’t know how to take the praise, and it was weird how these people read so deep into what I wrote.

To my-self, I thought it would not have affected me, but it did. Now that I actually knew I had more readers and people I can actually interact with, the pressure was on. My self doubt became so great, I knew I wrote well, but the question of whether I was good enough seemed ever looming. I worried for quite a while if I would be good enough to do the things I wanted to do, the things I dreamt of doing. The idea of this blog was to keep writing so that one day I would garner the courage to actually write a full novel.

Took me a while to realise that, self doubt is actually a pretty normal thing. For anyone producing creative content, or actually anyone chasing a dream, self doubt is something you’re going to come face to face with. You’re going to question whether you’re good enough to make it because there are a lot of people who don’t make it. How I got over this was that I came to the realisation that I was my worst enemy. I needed to forget what others thought because I was the one who was truly in my way. Took me a while to realise two things, first being that as someone producing work for the public you’re not going to produce for everyone and secondly even the greats have critics who tear into them.

So in order to achieve the things I wanted to achieve was down to me. To help me in my fight I signed myself up for a class where it forced me to write. Funny thing is with all the doubt I had in myself, how uncertain I felt, after I published a piece I was so happy and felt so great that I did that. I’m no sad sap but I always believed that I didn’t have the greatest self esteem. I do however think that, maturity and by putting myself out in these entries it has grown. I do hope that it continues to grow.

You have to give yourself some credit, don’t be so harsh with you, because your greatest fear isn’t what you think it is. Marianne Williamson said it best :

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask yourselves, Who am I to be, brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. We are all meant to shine, as children do. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same.”

Choose to feed yourself loving and positive thoughts, give yourself that stern talking to if need be. Commit to believing in you, others may lose faith in you but you lose only when you turn your back on you.

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